So let me get this right...

Palin acceptance speech, graf by graf...

- John McCain was a POW!
- John McCain loved the war all along!
- The media underestimated John McCain!
- Country first!
- John McCain was a soldier who still loves the war!
- My boy's a soldier. (USA! USA! USA!)
- I also have extended family in Iraq. (USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!)
- I also have lots of kids. (Somewhere children are starving! Who cares! Ownership society!)
- In April, I had a fifth kid. Because when you're governor, you don't need to worry about paying $4 a gas to drive the kids to soccer practice. Just have someone else do it. (Cheers, applause)
- Parents of slow children — and that's all of you, if you're smart, since school districts pay up the rear to fund special-ed programs — I'm one of you! Vote for me!
- If I'm elected, we'll have even more special-ed programs, and we'll cut taxes to boot! We'll just borrow the money from China and let our special-ed children pay for it later.
- My husband was once on Dangerous Catch. And works on the North Slope. And likes to spew pollution into the air on snowmobiles. And he's a Native American! Aren't we historical!
- My parents lived on the public dole for years, and with my tax cuts, they'll be poor. In fact, Republican governors around the country are trying their best to cut the retirements of fine people like my parents.
- I'm Harry Truman!
- Someone wrote this. Who? Nobody will say. "We grow good people in our small towns, with honesty and sincerity and dignity."
- I'm from small towns too! I'm Harry Truman! I can push the red button!
- I'm a hockey mom! That's much better and more violent than those sissy soccer moms. (Hockey moms! Hockey moms!)
- I like watching my kids beat up other kids! I wear lipstick to do it!
- I signed up for the PTA because my low-tax state wasn't funding education right!
- Barack Obama's a fraud!
- Barack Obama's two-faced!
- John McCain has been the same guy forever! He was this conservative when you rejected him 8 years ago!
- The media is biased!
- The media is out of touch!
- I'm going to Washington for the right reason!
- I'm going to challenge the status quo! But that's not the same as change.
- I have integrity and convictions, just like you!
- I took on Big Oil (but kowtowed to Big Gas), and shook up government (even though it appears more and more as though I really didn't)!
- I made ethics reform! Hopefully I'm grandfathered into the old law!
- The governor of a state the size of Europe shouldn't have his or her own jet. I drive myself two blocks to work every day in a town of 20,000 people! I fired my cook, but I didn't say I cook for myself!
- I cut spending! And got millions in earmarks for my state!
- No wasteful spending!
- I ended the abuse of earmarks, including the Bridge to Nowhere, which I kind of killed after it was dead, but it makes a good soundbyte!
- Oil and gas prices went up — I gave the money to Alaskans, even though millions of Americans down south were suffering!
- I ended Big Oil's control on state government! And I swear, they had no influence in my house even though my hubba hubba hubby works for them.
- I helped get a gas pipeline built by giving it a huge tax break!
- Natural gas and petroleum are the same thing!
- Gas prices are too high!
- Russia is dangerous!
- Iran is dangerous! Venezuela is dangerous! Fear fear fear! Drill!
- We should totally drill.
- We're going to take over more private property for pipelines, create more nuclear waste without a place to put it, and move forward with green energy sources, just like the other guy is!
- We need American energy!
- Barack Obama is a defeatist who has never crafted a "major" law!
- Barack Obama dared to have a stage at his acceptance speech! He has no plan!
- Barack Obama thinks he's Jesus! Which means he's the Antichrist!
- Barack Obama wants to take more of your money! (Lies) Barack Obama wants to lose in Iraq! (Lies) Barack Obama — the horror — wants to uphold the Constitution!
- Barack Obama wants to raise your taxes (Lies, if you make less than 250k).
- Barack Obama wants to raise your taxes (Lies, if you make less than 250k).
- My sister works for the oil industry too! Taxes hurt them and hurt you!
- Fear fear fear fear fear fear fear.
- Barack Obama is just a charade! Unlike John McCain, who is fighting for the change you rejected 8 years ago!
- John McCain wants change!
- John McCain will change!
- John McCain has changed!
- Harry Reid is a turd! He hates John McCain, because he's for nuclear waste storage in Nevada and against college sports betting! Isn't that great?
- That's why we should vote for John McCain!
- The world is dangerous! Fear fear fear fear fear!
- Barack Obama, there, I said it, are you happy? And Joe Biden hate you! John McCain is a war hero!
- John McCain was a POW!
- John McCain was a POW!
- John McCain was a POW!
- John McCain was a POW!
- John McCain is a leader!

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Aside from more energy and more unfunded special-ed mandates, did Madame Palin say anything other than "fear" and "POW" in that entire speech?

Just curious.

Mulling Palin

I've been following this Palin thing the last few days, and there's three reasons why I'm bothered here.

1. The experience factor.

The myopic partisans on the right-wing blogs and talk radio will continue to defend this, but let me offer a distinctly Oregonian scenario to compare Palin's naivety.

Let's say the mayor of Scappoose ran for governor, on a anti-tax, reform government ticket. S/he wins and hooks up with the Sizemore/Mannix crowd, succeeds in cutting taxes and gets national prominence.

But two years later, we really haven't seen the impacts on the state budget. That takes some time, for the impacts of cut programs to be felt on services, and the impacts of cut taxes on the economy. It's all theoretical, all ideological.

And all we've got to go on for a proven track record is the growth of Scappoose, which was in a prime position to grow anyway, given its proximity to Portland.

But beyond that — and that's an awful big leap — let's look at the circumstances of taking office.

Let's assume that Palin's municipal work is equivalent to Obama's service in the Illinois State Senate, representing tens of thousands of Chicagoans.

Obama, as president, gets 2 1/2 months to prepare to take office, carefully choosing his cabinet members and other advisors. It's a predictable and smooth transition.

Compare this to the way Palin might become president. Suffice to say, the circumstances aren't going to be predictable, and chances are they're going to be downright horrible. She might not trust her cabinet members, chosen by McCain, and they might not trust her. They might not even respect her, as some of them could have been passed up for the vice presidency.

What transition of government do you want?

2. Family Values.

My next objection is purely political. It's simply disingenuous for the party of Traditional Family Values to stick behind Gov. Palin now. She's got five kids with an absentee father — assuming Todd commuted to the North Slope weekly, not daily — and then decided to take a job that on the best days is a full-time gig, and guess what happens? Mom's away, kids played and now she's a young grandmother.

Two parents with never home jobs make for family values?

3. Population control.

On a more personal note, I'm insulted by the number of kids the Palin family has produced. With all the starvation, suffering and high food prices in this world, no couple should be having more than two kids. The Palins are responsible for five now, with No. 6 on the way.

We aren't living in a society of sustenance agriculture. Nobody needs 3 kids, nor 4, nor 5. To make that many is either reckless or selfish — two qualities I don't want in our next president, or vice president.

Cedar chips for August 5

• We all hate No Child Left Behind.
  
  It's panned in the media, on right-wing radio, on NPR (the most listened-to radio station in Portland, by the way).
  
  Not many people can say why though — so here's NCLB in a nutshell:
  
  Every subgroup of every school most show improvement every year from the prior year's test scores. So if your school finishes with 98% passing in 2007, and only gets 97% in 2008, guess what?
  
  You're nonproficient.
  
  And, if, God forbid, your test scores slip back to 90%, you're really in deep stuff. (Big O)
  
  It's just too bad we can't do the same thing to the presidency.
  
  If the President can't improve his approval rating after two years, Americans have the right to transfer to another country and W has to work on a improvement plan.
  
  After three years, Americans have to be supplied with supplemental services, maybe tax cuts for the not-so-rich.
  
  After four years, W's got to take corrective action, like firing cabinet secretaries, not taking August off in Crawford, or shooting Dick Cheney out of a cannon.
  
  And after five years of sinking ratings, the White House must be taken over by Congress. Or Canada. 
• Another of the Bushies' operating philosophies: people are responsible for themselves. This goes for the disabled, too. Get jobs, folks. God gave you gifts. Use 'em. (Big O)
• Daughter of editor at Califoregon suburb gets bright idea, decides to go without a car in the most car-free-able city in the West, gets on CNN for it. If only it were that easy for the rest of us. (Calumbian)
• Speaking of columnists in the suburbs, ag county wingnut Hanoi Jayne writes a column which apparently nobody decided to check for accuracy. (Ag County Weekly)
• Califoregon suburb paper talks to senator, discovers that federal highway funding comes from gas tax, of which people are continually paying less. Of course, by the time we do something about it, every car will get 60 mpg,  and there will be exactly 70 cents in the federal budget for the I-5 bridge project. (Calumbian)
• But at least it'll be in the federal budget. (Calumbian)
• Unless these hippie nutsies can stop it. (Weekly Superfund)
• Meanwhile, in free weekly land, more hippie nutsies propose union to push for a fareless system on TriMet. Which is kind of like suggesting that we should suspend the gas tax. (Distant Stranger)
• Good thing a writer for the DS has a blog. I bought some George Michael on my iPod last Thursday and have been wondering for five days whether that makes me gay. Seriously. (Matt Davis Opens His Mouth)

License to (be) ill

ACTIVISTS IN THE IMMIGRATION BATTLE hooped and hollered about a victory last week after DMV numbers came out showing that the number of Hispanics going to the DMV is down. Way down.

According to the McPaper down in Salem, the DMV has administered 65 percent fewer tests in Spanish since January, and a 3.3 percent decline in the overall number of licenses issued.

The rejoicing could be heard pealing out of GOP homes from Hillsburrito to Felony Flats. "Hooray! We beat those slimy brown bastards! They took our jerrbs!" (Art imitating life) (Life imitating art)

But for all the stories on this — both the McPaper version and the processed TV versions — the word "insurance" appears in no stories.

I mean, I would think that if someone was finding that the number of licensed motorists was going down... perhaps the number of UNlicensed motorists was going up?

And if there's no licenses, how can there be insurance for those drivers?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that the Mexicans haven't stopped coming to Oregon just because they can't get a drivers license. The weather's great, there's plenty of work for them, and they're probably treated better than they are in Des Moines or Tulsa.

---

OF COURSE, that's the unintended consequence most likely to impact you and I. But the MSM instead honed in on little old divorced ladies who have to prove that they are who they are. Because, you know, they might be illegal immigrants or terr'ists or something.

But $221 isn't all that bad. Licenses were cheap here to begin with. It's just a shame that money isn't going to the state of Oregon's coffers.

Oregon's Open Source Government usually does a pretty fine job of crafting laws and regulations that are full of something for everyone. So it's surprising to see that little old ladies got overlooked.

But I have yet to see white folk lining up to take jobs at the berry farms in the valley. Wait... nevermind.

---

BUT HOW ABOUT we just get this crazy babe off the road instead? Did she have valid ID when she tried to get a license?

Cedar chips for August 1

Notes from soggy Little Beirut for a Friday...

• Big O decides to get on green bandwagon, make almost every story in today's paper about environmental somethingoranother. I think the Trib tried that. It was called Sustainable Life. I think it might be Web only now.
• Various interests say "Buy local! Don't take the cheap imports!" Except we're not talking about Oregon farmers complaining about Chilean strawberries, we're talking about Mexicans not buying Oregon Christmas trees, so this time, it's different. Cursed brown people. Always selling us cheap imports and wanting to buy local. How dare they. (Big O)
• Editor at Portland's Weekly Broadsheet Magazine out. (WWire) Trailblazers plan Dwight Jaynes "Smash the Bobblehead Day" for opening night.
• Natives near Astoria might get reservation, immediately begin planning water park/ski resort/casino/hotel/spa/LNG terminal for reservation. (Columbian)
• A few months ago, wingnut Glenn Beck wrote in a column that we should be taxing higher education endowments because colleges do nothing but raise liberals. (Wingnut Express) And when OHSU can't afford to finish its research into curing alcoholism (Trib), darnit, at least we'll have our tax money, right? Wait, alcoholism costs the state of Oregon how much?
• On an unrelated note, Schlitz is coming back. (Big O)

Cedar chips for July 29

Musings from Little Beirut for a Tuesday...

• Environmental nutsies plan "acts of civil disobedience" to try and stop I-5 bridge from being built. Drivers, sick of being stuck in traffic for 2 hours to get to Washington to go buy frozen custard or El Pollo Loco, plan their own acts of civil disobedience: Rev your engine, expand your carbon footprint; provoking bicyclists; and idling with front tires on the draw span of I-5 bridge and back tires on the fixed span, keeping river traffic from passing by. (Trib)
• Man stumbles upon nude beach with kids and Taco Bell dogs, gets hit with 74-year-old nudist's expanding baton. Seriously. (KATU) (Perez Hilton)
• Democrats promise less partisan '09 session, forget that there are still Republicans who will do their best to make the majority sound as partisan as possible. (Big O)
• Radio hate jock says a certain political mindset is a mental disorder; members of certain religions should be banned; protestors should die… but dammit, don't be mean to our children! (SF Chron)
• Man stabbed at MAX station (Trib), so any day now the rich folks in the suburbs should be screaming with pitchforks that MAX is unsafe. This despite no adult being stabbed at a train station in the suburbs since approximately 1873, when Toothless Joe Duyck got in a tussle with Jellico Heynricxs about who was more Dutch on the Mt. Hood Railway's Gresham platform.
• OPB looks at Oregon open source community, fails to miss major connection — this is how we plan everything in Oregon. We get everybody together and say "you add whatever you want to project X." That way, when the proposal is finally finished, everyone can have something to hate. (See I-5 bridge for reference.) That, my friends, is open source government. (TOL)

Race War! Race War!

In the clip below, I want you to mentally make some substitutions.

Stan is a level-headed bicyclist.
Token is a motorist.
And Eric Cartman is the main stream media.



The attention on this cyclist-versus-motorist feud the last few weeks has been incredible. It started with the cutesey "Look, the drunk bicyclist went ape on a driver — and it turned out to be another bicyclist! Ho ho ho, isn't that funny?"

But then, like the Blob, it grew. First, with the video of the cyclist clinging to a windshield wiper. Then, with the pickup t-boned by a cyclist.

And most recently, the Critical Mass debacle in Seattle, where a gang of militant cyclists jumped a guy who was just trying to get to dinner. Now, all of the sudden, Newsweek is parachuting in and before you know it, the New York Times will be out here with their pretentious "Mr. Potter" this and "Mrs. Jones" that on second reference.

Is this the best we can do?

We're in the middle of an election year, tiptoeing (as a region, anyway) around a recession — for the first time anyone can remember, by the way, that Oregon wasn't thrown into the financial dunk tank first — and three incidents, all of which can be attributed to morons, constitute wall-to-wall coverage?

I don't think so. I think we're just inflaming motorists like myself (my first thought — if I was the guy in the Subaru up in Seattle, I would have been mobile the second someone jumped on my car, and I don't care who's in the way!) and inciting bicyclists who may buy into a mob mentality.

Instead of looking at the "new dynamic" between cyclists and motorists, how about we look at the psyches of these morons — the "Wait, did my windshield wiper grow a human-shaped tumor???" guy and our friends at Critical Mass — and expose the true idiocy that's brought these stories to the fore?

Contention rarely leads to consensus. Bicyclists have real needs, but unless the majority of motorists get on board with those needs, we'll never call those needs accomplishments.

Cedar chips for July 25

So let's say you live in a condo complex with a small parking garage underneath. In this garage, there's a big, metal garage door. It's creaky, it's got to be 100 years old and it's seriously slow and noisy.

You don't drive much, but it's a pain in the ass when you've got to use it. Still, it's getting to be time to replace the darn thing.

The question is this — you really don't have much use for the garage, but you've got some jackass neighbors who are constantly putting that thing up and down, up and down.

Do you teach them to not drive by disagreeing to fund it and offering to buy them a bus pass, instead?

Or do you bite the bullet and replace the garage door before the price goes up, up, up?

If you're Metro Councilor Robert Liberty, you sit in front of that garage door and force everyone to adhere to your way of life.

Liberty, who really aught to consider changing his last name to something more fitting, and his anti-bridge buddies want to have their cake and eat it too.

"Don't build the bridge!" they say. "It'll encourage people in that evil suburb of Vancouver to drive more!"

"Don't build the bridge!" they bleat. "It's a waste of money with gas prices going up because people will be driving less!"

"Build the damn bridge!" most Portlanders cry. "It takes too damn long to get anywhere these days!"

And so it has gone for the last decade or so, and so it will probably continue when Metro does its lands use analysis and finds that yes, there are still people in this country who want to have a back and front yard in a single family home.

And in Portland, those people move to Vancouver.  (Trib)


• 18,000-seat amphitheater broke, only drew 11,000 fans to largest concert last year. We're pretty sure the rest of them are still waiting to cross the I-5 bridge. (Columbian)
• One good way to keep you from forgetting your reusable grocery bag — charge you 20 cents when you don't bring them. (Big O) (Trib)
• Portland is now the second most liberal city on Earth. Thanks, Berlin! (WW)
• Developers lose Measure 49, turn thirsty lust for open space to make into mindless suburbia (why not Vancouver?) towards hapless golf course residents in the ag county. (Argus)
• Local Superfund magnate suggests we should drive 55 mph to keep the Earth healthy. (Pamplin) Arch-Republican ag county paper disagrees. (Argus)
• Vietnam Navy vets continue to overachieve. One's running for president, and one's kicking some major ignorant BiMart ass. (Times)
• Navel examiners at Oregonian suggest requiring calorie counts on food. (Big O) On that note, I'm off to drink beer, and don't tell me how many calories I'm consuming.

About Little Beirut

I moved to Portland some time ago, with rose-colored glasses about how wonderful of a place it is.

It's probably the best place, to borrow from Metro. But it's got a lot of growing up to do.

And thusly, I opine. Hopefully daily.

E-mail Little Beirut for advertising information. cedarrepublic@gmail.com.